Tags: future pondering

oh noes!

The things you learn

Today I was reminded of a few things. One: that at times I really love teaching. Two: some times I really hate teaching. Three: life is just freaking weird sometimes.

I've got a job subbing in the same class all week. Third graders. Known as "the class from hell." This class is so... awesome... that every sub before me has put in a specific request to never be put in that classroom again. They're... challenging. They talk and they talk and they talk and nothing stops them. They don't really behave for anyone but their regular teacher.

So here I am yesterday, my first day in the class and what happens? They were almost perfect. They stopped talking. They did their work. Even the specials didn't have a problem with them. They were awesome (and very much not in a bad way). It was nice. Really nice.

And then I came back today. .............. Yeah. Complete opposite. Talk talk talk talktalktalktalktalktalk............ OMG. Seriously. Then there was the delinquent. Who was gloriously absent Monday, was back today. And boy did he fight me every step of the way. Not doing his work, talking, noises, moving around, blatant disregard for authority, and just mean at times. And its like the rest of the class went insane. I don't even know. I'm still twitching.

Yeah. So teaching can be immensely rewarding and I love it to death a lot of the time, but then there are days like today where I end up wanting to just stop and not do this anymore. I really love teaching, and I know that everyday is different and every class is different and that its not all roses and sunshine, but really? Really? I almost think that I'm going to end up one of those teachers that burns out after a year or two. And I really don't want that, because I honestly love this, but I can't deal with days like today if they're going to be every day.

And so here I am, having a truly frustrating day, and I look at my phone on my way to my abreviated lunch (I sat with some of the kids while they had lunch because they wanted me to) and I look at my phone, and I've missed a call. Guess what? One of those millions of freaking applications I've been sending out got a hit! I now have my first interview!! For a k-12 job. Its rather exciting, and kind of ironic considering how much I was freaking disliking teaching not five minutes prior. Woo?  Life is just funny I guess. And that's a horrible cliche, but rather true.

the future

I hate whiny emo people, but I'm afraid that I might just have to be one for a moment. Its therapeutic to write, and just talk about your life, especially me.

I hate thinking about the future, as a general rule. The future scares me. I have to start worrying about getting out of my comfortable little bubble of school, not having to work and being supported by my family. Yes, I do hate that I am still dependent on my parents, but there's not much I can do about that at the moment. That is a whole different problem. My problem is the future.

The future is up in the air. I mean, no one really knows what's going to happen. You could have the most mundane, repetitive life and still you wouldn't know what the future would hold for you. My life is up in the air. Its been that way since senior year of high school. I hate it. I like stability, and I think that's a bad reason for why I seem to be pushing to go into teaching. It would be familiar. But do I really want to be a teacher? Only time will tell. I know that at times it seems like that's all I want to do. At other times I just feel so lost and incompetent at it that I should just give up. I've given up a lot of dreams. I suppose everyone does. Life, if you work hard enough at it, could probably be everything you've ever wanted. I don't know if I want anything that badly. Heck, I sometimes wonder if I really want to be alive all that much. I don't focus on those thoughts as much anymore, but now that I'm home, and I know that I didn't do very good in school last semester, I feel like those thoughts could be coming back to haunt me. I mean, if they weren't I wouldn't be on here pouring my heart out so that I can hopefully stop dwelling on it, at least tonight.

I have to worry about a lot. So does everyone. It's not like I'm different. It's not like my problems are special. I know that people need to talk sometimes, and I know that its not a bad thing to do this. But I feel so fucking pathetic. I hate being a slave to my emotions. I hate that I make my own life that much more difficult. I know that I'm probably doing this subconsciously so that I don't have to step off of the plank and take those first steps away from everything I've ever known. There are my grades. I know I failed one class through no one's fault but my own. I am retaking it, but my GPA will be shot. I can't remember how high my GPA needs to be to do this teaching thing. What will people think when they see my crappy grades? Will anyone even take me on for student teaching? So many questions, and no available answers.

How am I going to live with myself knowing I've failed a class? I know people do that occasionally, but I'm not very good with handling failure. I tend to have mental breakdowns. I think I'm mentally unstable. My problems aren't big and yet I make such a huge deal of them. I think that my be part of my problem as well... that way of thinking. I mean, this is my life, and really all that should matter is me. So my problems are theoretically big, because I am the center of my own universe. Shouldn't every other problem but my own be secondary? I don't know.

I still hate myself. I really do. I've gotten better. I'm not as bad as I used to be, though I got to admit it seems like the lows are getting lower. Its at times like these that I wish I had some imagination left. I would kill to be able to write. I'd die happy if I could just let myself be sucked into another world and leave my crappy existence behind. To not be me, if only for a little bit. In that respect, I think that I could be a decent actress, I'm good at running from myself. I've been pondering it lately, thinking about what it would take for me to like myself. I think that if I could look in a mirror and like who I was on the outside, that I could start to like who I am on the inside. But then I think that if I thought that I looked good, that I would totally change. I don't think I would, but I could just imagine becoming one of those shallow whores that populate the college campus. Maybe I associate being attractive with being a slut. ... its an interesting thought, and when I think about it, not totally unfounded.

I don't know. Maybe I really do just need a menial job. Doing the same thing every day for the rest of my life. No surprises, no fun, no sadness (unless the economy stays in the crapper), just a nice painless life. Maybe I wouldn't have a house. I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Maybe I won't have a family of my own (hadn't really planned on that anyway), maybe I won't ever get that dog I've always wanted, but I would sacrifice everything for a piece of mind. I really just don't want to be a part of this world. I don't want this life. But I don't want to die.

They say that if you don't suffer you can't be a great artist, but what happens when you suffer but cannot create?